Dear Nana,

I know I'm meant to be in mourning for you right now. You will never know how sorry I am for not being able to. But I lost the person you were 4 years ago now and I think my grieving process started from that last time I saw you. Some instinct part of us may have recognised each other, but in reality we had no idea who the person was sat in front of us. And so I am so sorry I haven't cried bar the initial shock, but I am so far emotionally and physically removed I can't quite believe it's real.
I can't say anything as trite as 'I hope I will make you proud', because I have no idea what would do so. But I tell people that you raised me as a little girl, because the only few memories I seem to have kept from then are of you. So I'm sorry I can't cry and don't appear upset, I hope you understand I am thinking about you though and I am worrying about my mum, but I like to think you understand and know I am happy and that will make you proud.

This is what I want to update:
I am be in mourning but today served to reinforce the idea that Life is Beautiful. It's 32 degrees out here and today I actually had a paid job. Yes! I had a paid job in Japan. I can't describe how awesome that feels. I was judging a speech contest with a teacher and a nun (I love nuns by the way, all old nice people remind me of you and 'Nan'). But the best part was when I stood up to be introduced and over 500 people simultaneously went 'kawaii!' It was amazing and that all reminded me life was beautiful.
Tonight I'm going out drinking and dancing. I know that is not what I should be doing in the circumstances, but I don't think its an awful decision either. Life is for living and as there is nothing I can do at the moment I am going to keep having experiences I can tell you about.
I'm going to tell mum to send you some sweet-peas for me. If there not in season I will just ask her to give lots and lots of different wild flowers.
I love you Nana,
and thank you <3